Love, Money & Confidence: Why Relationships Fail Before They Start
Why Do So Many Relationships Struggle?
We live in a generation obsessed with compatibility, but many confuse love with lifestyle, and success with stability. What we don’t talk about enough is how deeply tied our sense of worth is to how we look, what we earn, what we offer, and how much of ourselves we’ve figured out, especially when it comes to love.
This past week, I had an extensive and eye-opening conversation with a female friend about money, confidence, and expectations (safe to say that’s what inspired this writeup). It made me realise that men and women have different expectations, realities, and perspectives when it comes to relationships. Platonic or intimate.
These factors quietly shape how men and women connect, love, and sometimes drift apart. Men often tie their worth to their ability to provide, while women value emotional safety and partnership. When financial roles shift or pressure mounts, it can create silent tensions that no one talks about enough.
In this newsletter, I will talk about these realities—why love alone isn’t always enough, how ego, insecurity, and trauma play a huge part, and what both partners can and need to do to build stronger, more understanding relationships. If you’ve ever wondered why finding the “right” relationship feels so hard, why you can’t stand talking stages anymore, why everyone you’re meeting is the same, and why it looks like no one is worth it anymore, then this one’s for you.
Let’s dive into it.
The Pressure to Provide
You hear men talk about pressure all the time, and often (as a woman), you wonder, “Why don't men speak out enough?”. To understand this pressure, consider how boys are raised and socialised from childhood. Phrases like “boys don’t cry,” “be a man,” or “why are you acting like a woman” aren’t just clichés.
They are statements that embed deeply and establish a rigid emotional framework in a formative mind. Boys learn early that showing vulnerability or failure is unacceptable, and putting up a brave face, always showing up, not making excuses, and being the “head of the family” is the alternative to being strong and being the provider.
What does this do?
It creates the idea that a man’s worth is tied to his ability to provide, and time and time again, this has always been the case. When you hear statements like “can you afford me”, or “you need to be able to take care of my bills”. Not everyone says this, but for thousands of years, societies have rewarded men who gather resources, protect, and provide shelter, and that’s not just a stereotype. Thanks to technology and civilisation, that instinct now plays out differently. Instead of hunting for food, men work jobs, chase promotions, or build businesses.
Every man wants to be, and every woman wants an odogwu.
The pressure remains the same. If a man feels like he’s not measuring up financially, it can trigger a sense of inadequacy that impacts every part of his life—from his mental health to his relationships and when he struggles financially, it’s not just about money; it’s about the message his mind interprets: “I’m failing as a man.” And because masculinity is often closely tied to pride and independence, this feeling can be crushing.
But here’s the thing that no one focuses on:
Men are not taught how to cope with this inadequacy emotionally. They learn along the way. They are encouraged to “man up” or keep it inside. This silence can breed resentment, frustration, and withdrawal, which poisons relationships and can have an impact on your relationship (if you happen to be with him at this time). When you define manhood, you think of financial success, and this isn’t just about the money itself; it’s about what money represents—power, independence, and respect.
Men often feel they must “earn” respect through their ability to provide. I mean, wouldn’t you respect a man more if he could handle your bills and provide for you?
Pause and think about some of the men in your life, past or present. Think about the time when they were at their lowest, or when they just stopped being attractive to you. At the heart of the issue, money was the center of it: the lack of it, whether you were aware of it or not, and this crisis doesn’t happen in isolation. It affects how men move. How men communicate with everyone, including their partners. Some shut down and become distant, others become defensive and quick to anger, and many just ghost and avoid the conversation entirely.
This creates a paradox: the pressure to succeed can drive ambition, but it can also lead to intense stress and fear of failure. When a man hits a financial setback—losing a job, struggling with debt, or facing career uncertainty- it can cause an identity crisis. The silence fuels misunderstanding and often leads to a phrase many are familiar with:
“he has changed.”
Well, Not All Women Want a Man Because of His Money
Yes, that may be true, and sometimes, women often look for a partnership of two equals navigating life side by side, someone they can build with. This often happens when a woman is financially secure, and the man isn’t. Many women see their financial independence as freedom, not leverage. They want to love someone for who they are, not what they can provide.
But the emotional reality for many men is different.
When a man feels he can’t meet expectations, he may feel “less than”— even if the woman assures him she’s okay with it. Most men don’t know who they are when they don’t have money. Certain lifestyle choices, and things like a woman doing things she used to do before the relationship, could suddenly start to feel like an attack on the man, because what he sees while his woman is taking care of herself is his failure as a man.
Take, for example, a couple where the woman is the breadwinner and the man is between jobs. She offers support, but he withdraws emotionally. He’s ashamed to ask for help, worried about losing respect, and uncertain how to redefine his role.
No relationship is ever secret. You will either have friends who know or family members who are aware. They go to events or functions as a group, and it’s time to pay. There’s a contribution for an event coming up. While the couple might understand their dynamic, the outlook of the situation and the conversation that follows will stress both the man and the woman. Statements like, “Why are you with a man who can’t pay for XYZ?” “You shouldn’t be the one doing this.” “Why are you letting your woman embarrass you by paying for your bills?” “Guy, na man you be o”.
You can imagine what a ride back home will feel like. This dynamic can create tension. The woman may feel rejected or confused, wondering why her love and support aren’t enough. The man, on the other hand, feels trapped between needing help, wanting independence, and struggling to get his identity back.
Let’s explore this from the other side.
Many women today are financially independent, educated, and successful. They grew up watching their mothers or role models thrive on their terms. For them, dating a man who isn’t financially stable is not a dealbreaker, instead, it’s an opportunity to support and grow together.
During our conversation, my friend said, “If I love someone, I want to be their partner in every sense. That includes helping them get back on their feet if needed.” I thought this was a beautiful sentiment and a modern take on partnership. It breaks the mould of expecting men to be providers and women to be receivers. It focuses on teamwork and mutual support.
However, many men can’t receive this help without feeling vulnerable or diminished. They may believe accepting help means admitting defeat or losing their role as protector (remember how they were raised and socialised from boyhood). Situations like this are where many relationships struggle silently. The woman is ready to support, but the man’s pride and internal narrative get in the way. The result? Distance grows, resentment settles in, love dies.
But How Do You Fix That?
I’d love to hear from you.
Love Can’t Grow Where Ego Feels Small
Understanding the ego’s role in relationships is essential. When ego is wounded, it’s not about pride in the negative sense—it’s about the survival of self-esteem. Imagine a man who’s always been the provider suddenly depends on someone else's income. He is not used to it, and his internal self will struggle with acceptance. He might feel his identity slipping away, and this isn’t about greed or arrogance; it is about how he measures his worth.
This feeling of inadequacy can lead to distancing behaviours—becoming emotionally unavailable, avoiding intimacy, or even pushing the partner away to protect oneself from perceived rejection. For many men, ego is tightly linked to the ability to provide, and when that ability is compromised, the ego feels threatened, and you’re battling an internal voice saying, “You’re not good enough.” The frustration isn’t about the woman, but the gap between who the man wants to be, who he thinks he is, and who he is in that moment.
For the woman, it can be painful and confusing. Ego is often misunderstood as pure arrogance or selfishness. In reality, it’s a protective mechanism—the part of us that safeguards our self-esteem and identity. Understanding this dynamic is crucial for both partners. Love requires vulnerability—but if one partner’s ego is constantly bruised, that vulnerability becomes difficult to sustain.
Just to make sure I haven’t lost you yet, this article is about love, confidence, gender roles, and why relationships often don't last. So far, we have talked about how a man’s confidence can either make or break a relationship, and most of the examples given are to draw a connection if you have ever been in a similar scenario and never got the chance to understand “why” your relationship/situation ended abruptly and didn’t workout. If you’ve enjoyed reading this so far, maybe share it with your friends too. You never know who else this might speak to.
Now, where were we?
So, Are You Saying Women Should Give Up on Their Dreams and Ambitions Because Their Partner Can’t Accept Help?
Well, the answer is no. But there is a real-life issue here that leads to why High-Value Women Struggle to Find Partners.
Let’s break it down. High-value women—successful, confident, and independent, who society applauds for their achievements —face a unique challenge. Dating isn’t always easy. Some men perceive a power imbalance and fear they’ll never “measure up.”
This fear isn’t about competition; it’s about compatibility. When a woman lives a certain lifestyle—fine dining, travel, looks —she often seeks a partner who can share and contribute to that lifestyle. Otherwise, there’s a risk of feeling out of sync.
Unfortunately, a lot of men don’t fit into this bracket, and I say this with deep regret. The few that do are already taken, and the rest never meet the relationship quota (for obvious reasons), and there is a reason why this happens to be the case.
I’ll break it down—and this is something I have had to think about extensively.
Remember, a man’s and a woman’s life are completely different.
Let’s say a man and a woman work in the same field, office, job description, salary, etc. With both individual incomes, if a woman wants to travel today and spend on certain luxuries, and she doesn't want to touch her salary, she can. All she needs to do is reach out to her brother(s), her father, or her close male friends to handle these bills for her, and as long as they have the means, they will do it because, remember, a man is raised and socialised from boyhood to be a provider and protector.
A man, on the other hand, wanting to travel and afford certain luxuries, has his salary to depend on. Unless he is from a wealthy background, and even if his father is well-to-do and can provide it, a man giving another man money for luxuries and trips isn't common. You can say he should ask his sister, mother, or close female friends. Yes! But really, how many times do women give men money? Don’t get me wrong, I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but is it common? A man is wired to focus on bills and expenses first, to provide, before luxuries take place.
The sad reality is, many men have internalised beliefs about masculinity that make dating high-value women intimidating. The idea that “I should be the provider” clashes with reality, and if you can’t happen to provide when your woman asks, it usually causes doubt and self-judgment.
*I hope this explanation doesn’t get misinterpreted and leads to something else.*
So, What Should Women Do?
There’s a growing conversation about successful, independent, and confident women who are often portrayed as empowered and free, but their dating experiences tell a different story - we have established that. Women who fall into this category find the dating pool surprisingly shallow. Many men feel intimidated or inadequate compared to a woman’s financial or social success, and no woman wants that mentality around her. Sadly, this isn’t about greed or superficiality—it’s human nature and societal conditioning. Men want to, no, they need to feel like leaders, providers, or equals. If they sense they’re outpaced financially or socially, they retreat or lose confidence in pursuing a relationship.
Women, on the other hand, often want a partner who’s confident and complements them and matches their level of success. It’s just easier that way—someone who can share their lifestyle, ambitions, and challenges. This mismatch creates tension and frustration on both sides, leaving many successful women single or settling for less than they deserve.
To be honest, there is..
What Should Be and What Is.
We all have an idealised vision of love. We think love should be unconditional, effortless, and transformative. But love in practice is complex. Financial realities shape many aspects of relationships: where you live, how you spend holidays (if you celebrate holidays), your priority on health, what experiences you share, and even how you see yourself (I’m sure most of you hadn’t even considered these things before). For some people, it’s religion, for others, it's whether you can afford certain things or not.
Money isn’t just about lifestyle; it’s about security and peace of mind.
When one partner feels financially vulnerable, it affects everything else—trust, communication, and a way forward. The challenge is balancing ideals with realities. Accepting that money matters doesn’t mean love is transactional, but it does mean that financial compatibility and mutual respect are important.
During our conversation, my friend argued and said, “this dynamic shouldn’t exist in the first place, and a woman offering to help her partner out shouldn't be a big deal”. I agree wholeheartedly, and I wish this were the case. To be fair, it is hopeful and idealistic, and in a perfect world, love transcends money, status, and social expectations. But the reality is messier and completely different.
Love happens in a context shaped by money, culture, and unspoken rules. Ignoring these realities leads to frustration and disappointment. A woman who wants emotional safety might need financial safety too. A man who struggles financially might find it hard to be emotionally available. Accepting this doesn’t mean cynicism. It means being honest about what each partner brings and what they need.
If you happen to find yourself in this situation (with a partner that you want things to work out with), you would need to have a conversation about it and help your partner see things from your point of view, help your partner get past whatever childhood and societal ideologies he’s holding on to, and find a balance or compromise. And if it doesn’t serve you, you should definitely leave.
I feel like I have said so much already. I hope I haven’t lost you yet.
There is still an angle I would like us to consider, and that’s the fact that many of us live in an imaginative and fantasy world, and we somehow bring that into our relationships.
We set unrealistic expectations when it comes to “love” based on what we see online, what we imagine, without actually thinking about the person first, and even understanding our partners.
Let’s call it, not understanding our partners’ love languages, and it’s…
The Real Reasons Why Relationships Fail
Misaligned Timing: Sometimes, two people simply aren’t ready for the same kind of commitment. One might be focused on career, healing from past wounds, or personal growth. While the other is ready for life forever.
Unmet Emotional Needs: One partner might crave affection and reassurance, while the other offers financial support but struggles to connect emotionally.
Insecurity & Ego: When financial imbalance exists, ego and insecurity often get amplified, leading to jealousy, resentment, or withdrawal.
Expectations vs. Reality: Social media glamorises perfect couples with perfect lives, setting unrealistic standards that pressure both partners who consume such content.
Lack of Self-Awareness: Many people enter relationships hoping to be “fixed” or completed, without doing their internal work first. The thought that healing can come from affection is misguided. It can comfort, it can guide, but healing is always internal, especially when one is ready.
So, What’s the Solution?
Relationships require honesty, vulnerability, and effort from both partners.
For Men: Your self-worth is not just in your paycheck. It’s in your values, your effort, your character. Build your confidence by setting goals beyond money—personal growth, emotional intelligence, or creativity. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Ask for help when you need it.
Reflect on your identity beyond finances. What other strengths define you?
Practice vulnerability. Share your fears and struggles with trusted people.
Seek growth in emotional intelligence. Understand your feelings and communicate them.
For Women: Recognise that some men struggle with financial pressure deeply and silently. When you say you want something and he can’t provide it, that is not the time to shame him, mock/abuse, or make him feel less of a man. It is especially not an opportunity for you to seek the solution elsewhere (outside). Offer support, but also communicate clearly about boundaries and expectations. Know your worth, but allow space for your partner to grow at his own pace. And make sure that you are with someone who understands.
Communicate your needs and boundaries clearly.
Offer support without rescuing. Encourage independence, not dependency.
Be patient with your partner’s growth, but don’t sacrifice your worth.
Recognise that love is a partnership, not a competition.
For Everyone: Relationships are partnerships, not competitions. Invest time in understanding your own needs and your partner’s. Practice empathy, patience, and honest communication. Be willing to say the hard things gently and listen without judgment.
Prioritise emotional safety. Create space to talk honestly without judgment.
Work on self-awareness. Understand your triggers, fears, and hopes.
Reject perfectionism. Love is about growth and effort, not flawless harmony.
Seek external support if needed—therapy, coaching, or mentoring can help.
At The End Of All Of This, What Do I Think?
Love is a journey of two imperfect people learning to be vulnerable together. It’s about showing up, being honest, and choosing each other even when things aren’t perfect. Money, ego, and expectations will always play a role. The difference lies in how you navigate those challenges. The real question is: Are you willing to look inward, grow, and love beyond your fears? Because when you do, you find a love that’s deeper than status, richer than wealth, and stronger than any obstacle.
In the end, love is messy, imperfect, and complicated—but that’s what makes it real. You don’t have to be perfect to deserve love. You don’t have to have it all figured out to be a good partner. The real work is in being authentic—showing up as your true self, with your strengths and vulnerabilities, and finding someone who accepts you fully.
Has This Article Been Helpful in Any Way?
If you said yes, and you are looking to improve your relationship life, here are some practical exercises and reflection questions for you to consider.
For Self-Reflection:
What beliefs about money and love did you grow up with? How do they affect your relationships now?
How do you define your self-worth? Is it tied to your financial status or something deeper?
What fears come up when you think about being vulnerable with a partner?
For Couples:
Have an honest conversation about financial expectations and emotional needs.
Practice active listening—try to understand your partner’s fears without judgment.
Set shared goals that go beyond money—emotional connection, growth, and support.
Thank you for reading!
If you found this article helpful, you can share it with your friends, admirers, talking stages, contact list, or people within your community. We can help address some societal issues and perhaps even make the world a better place. #Delulu
Until my next newsletter,
Deks.
You write so well Deks, always know the right word for the right moment ❤️👌👍
I feel relationships struggles because of lack of mutual understanding between partners
And also lack of trust